Write what remains
An attempt to make sense of my set of chronic conditions
As the blood pounds in my skull every time I dare turn my head left or right, and my lips feel all tingly like a wave reaching shore and retreating again, I sat down to start collecting these thoughts and sensations here, put them into words. I live with a set of chronic conditions that have turned every aspect of my life upside down, repeatedly, over the last several years. There continues to be a lot of grief about what my life was before, what it continues transforming into, and the whole spectrum of emotions that comes with these processes.
Then, I stumbled across Emily Dickinson’s words “I am out with lanterns looking for myself” this morning. The pounding in my head seems to be a mindfulness tool in that it returns my focus and thoughts on the present moment after getting lost in my mind for a few seconds. At least right now, this is the interpretation I will go with. While I do not feel that I lost myself along the way, I am attempting to learn more about who I am in the after. After my Covid-19 infection in June of 2022 and Long Covids immense impact on my new reality. After facing other familiar companions - depression and anxiety - that claim their seat at my table of life.
On some days, I feel like I am slowly getting crushed under the weight and all of the pain that comes with my set of chronic conditions. Other days, I take deep breaths and marvel at each tiny particle of joy I encounter, collecting and preserving them as well as possible for darker times. Allowing pain and joy to exist in close proximity and in a similar manner provides the necessary space for me to take my lanterns, my words, and write down what remains.