Where I've Been
A crash after Christmas and two months into 2025
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Dearest reader,
thank you for being here! It’s been a hot minute. Not that I’ve forgotten that this space exists - although my short-term memory has been particularly shoddy - but I haven’t had the energy or cognitive capacity to write and make sense 😱 (she writes as she mistypes and misspells approximately every other word…).
That family ambush and the holidays did some damage. I’ve been back in my apartment with my cats since the beginning of the year and, as soon as I arrived, I found myself in a crash.
crash (noun) in Long Covid and ME/CFS: a worsening of symptoms after (small) overexertion (physical, cognitive, emotional, or social); can vary in length from a few days to permanent decline; presents differently in different people
March 15 is International Long Covid Awareness Day!
A Quiet Beginning
The trip back to Vienna was uneventful and went exactly as I had planned. Although I had enjoyed my time in the countryside - nothing beats stepping outside and being in nature and just a few minutes from a river - I was happy to be back in my place. Here, I have everything close by, literally. My apartment is small, so distances are short enough to manage.
Over the years, I adapted this space as well as possible to my chronic-illness needs. And while I am grateful when I am not responsible for every single meal, I have my favorite brands and ways of preparing food that are not always available to me when I am away.
Time is a blur
It’s the end of February as I begin to write this. Thinking back on the past two months, I remember little and that stretch of time feels like a blur. No clear borders or edges, just events and days bleeding into each other. Brain fog.
There were more sunny days than in previous winters, I recall that much. Daily walks were not possible, but I did go outside when I could and had the energy. Unlike everybody else living in Vienna - at least that what it seems like - I am disappointed that the winter was not colder and that we did not have a lot of snow.
New year, old challenges
Like I mention at the beginning of this post, the trip to my parents over the holidays led to a crash, i.e. my symptoms have worsened. Now what does that mean and look like in my particular case?
Reading has been a challenge, again. After longer phases of not being able to read for more than 15 minutes or so last year, I had been able to expand my reading times. During this “good” phase, I read in a variety of genres and would switch between different texts I was reading at the same time.
Right now, I can still read for more than 15 minutes, but only fiction (and poetry). However, non-fiction has been inaccessible, which has been upsetting, since my tbr pile keeps growing. In the past, I would read as much, if not more, non-fiction than fiction. Not being able to do that has created a gap in my life.
On top of all the other pieces of my life that have gone missing because of Long Covid: The Art of Losing
With less energy also came a greater need for sleep. I average 14 hours in bed every day, most of those sleeping. Even though my nights and naps are long (and, luckily, for the most part, without too much insomnia), my daily body battery doesn’t charge as well and empties quicker. Unless I do something in the morning, chances are, it won’t happen that day.
Another layer of low energy is my struggle to cook and prepare food. While I’ve always gone through phases of this, in January and February, there hasn’t been a time when I was excited about cooking (except maybe once or twice). And in general, I do enjoy the act of preparing tasty food and trying out new recipes. Now? I resort to last-minute, quick meals that aren’t as satisfying. But still mostly healthy-ish at least.
My PMS (pre-menstrual syndrome) has been quite extra, too, and continues to throw me for a loop each month. Two days in, I tend to realize what’s happening and the cause of even worse symptoms. Yay, hormones!
One step forward, two steps back?
At this point, I am cautiously hopeful that I am nearing the end of the current crash. Maybe it’s because the days are getting longer again and spring is tangible. Maybe because being a recluse and resting a ton is easing some symptoms.
The next step forward is to continue in this manner until I arrive at a stable baseline. Then, I hope to make progress on some projects - before the heat returns and I shall become a hermit yet again.
A number of medical appointments are on the horizon, as well as connections with chronic illness/disabled folks and experts to push for progress.
An important documentary
For those of you dear readers that have access to Arte, a European TV channel dedicated to culture, - and speak either German or French (sorry, the only two language options, it seems!) I would urge you to watch the following documentary about ME/CFS, Long Covid, and other related chronic illnesses. It is very well done and illustrates the scandalous sorry state of the medical system when it comes to these illnesses in both Europe and the US.
The documentary is available for streaming until March 26, 2025.
Link to documentary “Chronisch krank, chronisch ignoriert” (“Chronically ill, chronically ignored”) : https://www.arte.tv/de/videos/108997-000-A/chronisch-krank-chronisch-ignoriert/
If you understand what I’m talking about: I’m sorry and it sucks and I see you.
If you know someone that might be going through something like this, and chances are that you do: Please show kindness and grace and compassion. Don’t tell us to “think positive”, that “everything happens for a reason”, or any other such bullshit. Listen to us, believe us, and see us. And please don’t forget us OR be inconsiderate of our very real limitations!
Glimmers
Glimmer: a micro moment of joy, awe, hope, safety; opposite of trigger ✨✨✨
Deep dive into Elena Ferrante’s Italian saga 🤓
Winter is soup time and I freaking love soup 😋🥣
Time in the countryside 🛤️🏡 with my cats 🐈
Luna enjoyed her time in the countryside, especially when she got to hang out with her brother, Olaf.
A question that remains…
Every day is a fresh beginning… What is something you want to tackle now that spring (northern hemisphere) / fall (southern hemisphere) is just around the corner? 🤔🤔🤔
