Cognitive Idiosyncracies

Thinking about my thinking brain and forgetting a lot along the way

May 02, 2024

The photo shows a small pond with yellow flowers in the foreground and trees and a wooden sculpture in the background. — A moment of calm 💛

Dearest reader,

thank you for taking the time to read my newsletter!

I’ve struggled with my writing lately. Not that I had anything I would call “writer’s block”, but I think cognitively I needed a break. This, of course, I only realize now, a few weeks later, as yet another month of the year 2024 has passed and we are already through one third of the year.

In these moments, right now, as I am sitting on my balcony writing these words, with Luna sitting to my left fulfilling her duty as the neighborhood watch cat, I try to remember what happened the past month. And for the most part, I have a hard time remembering. My short-term, or working, memory has not been doing a good job since I’ve had Covid. Even though I journal, practice mindfulness, try to remember, it takes considerable mental effort to collect a sufficient amount of snapshots from April to create a collage of the month.

Part of my struggle to write in the last few weeks has to do, I think, with having to digest everything that has been going on. There were a few very emotional moments, family time and birthdays, heartbreaks because of past friendships, phases of summer and winter one right after the other, a much greater need to sleep and yet an increased sense of tiredness, all the things I continue to learn about Long Covid, ME/CFS, my nervous system and chornic stress and depression, and everything else that is going on in the world. A lot for anyone and in particular for someone with chronic illnesses.

One topic I have been immersing myself in lately is that of polyvagal theory and learning about the human nervous system. Through some painful realizations and insights, I am now aware that I have been chronically stressed for, well, most of my life. Even as I am writing this, and as much as I enjoy it, I can sense countless areas of tensions in my body; how I am partly holding my breath, my jaw is clenched, my back feels rigid. Allowing room for that self-awareness and more theoretical learning about it continues to require a lot of my energy, a resource that is scarce for me as is. So there have been, and will be, stretches of time, I must acknowledge, where I will have to give that part of my life a rest. To settle, to digest, to take effect. (A topic I will be sure to return to in the future again and again).

Part of my established daily chronic-illness practice includes the following activities (in the hopes of training my cognitive abilities and improve my memory - to little effect so far, I fear):

Sudoku (now this has turned into a bit of a scary obsession; I don’t play any games on my phone or laptop, but I tend to get way too caught up in these numerical puzzles, overextending myself into the occassional headache) 🧮
Wordle (which has been such a wholesome part of the internet since it came into existence, because I don’t recall ever coming across spoilers), Quordle, and, more recently, Colorfle 🌈
Learning a new language. Initially, I attempted to brush up on languages that I already had somewhat of a grasp on, like Spanish or French. However, after I discovered Nordic Netflix as one of my favorite sources of TV shows and movies, I started learning Swedish. What started on Duolingo (just a few weeks until I reach my 365-day-streak milestone!) quickly encompassed a language book (purchased) and books from the public library. 📚 💬
As someone who has always loved learning new languages, studying Swedish has been an incredible positive addition to my daily routine. First, as a native German speaker and someone who does okay in English, it is not that difficult of a language to learn (yay for daily moments of success!), in particular if compared to the language I attempted to learn before - Polish. Hah.
Over time, I also remembered that, duh, my brother used to live in Sweden for five years, during which time I frequently visited him and other friends and traveled a lot through northern European countries. And while I don’t feel particularly inclined to travel any time soon, Sweden would probably be the country I would like to re-visit in a future where my health has improved considerably.

The photo shows the author, a white woman with short brown hair outside. She is wearing a bright blue jacket, a brown headband, sunglasses, and a backpack as she is standing in a park next to water in Stockholm. — Me during a visit to Sweden some 11 or so years ago. I had just finished my Master’s degree and needed to get away for a bit.

What I’ve been reading and watching

Despite ongoing cognitive struggles, I am happy to report that I have been able to extend my reading time somewhat over the last few weeks. I first realized that I could, in fact, spend more time on the written word after checking the time reading in bed and a whole 30 minutes had passed. Shocking! And delightful. 🌟 Carefully, I have been testing - depending on the day and my overall state of being - to incorporate more time with my nose in books, or journals.

Now truthfully, without Goodreads, I’d have a much harder time recalling what I have been reading, so memory is an issue here, too. A novel that I recently devoured was You Exist Too Much by Zaina Arafat. This text had been on my e-reader for quite a while until I finally picked it up, or rather opened the file, and was quickly capitvated. It is the story of a bisexual Palestinian-American woman in her 20s, how she navigates dating and her love addiction while dealing with painful family issues, which in itself is already worth reading. But the fact that the protagonist and her family come from Palestine and visit their home country repeatedly and that the novel includes various scenes of going through check points controlled by the Israeli military, was eerie to read in 2024. Reading the novel against the backdrop of the ongoing genocide in Palestine after the horrific attack on Israel on October 7, 2023 by the terrorist group Hamas, was and is heart-shattering.

A TV show that I have been watching and enjoying - thanks Netflix Nordic! - is Ragnarok (not the Marvel one). This is a Norwegian production of a modern-day take on the norse mythology surrounding Thor and other nordic gods and their foes, the giants. Especially in the first two seasons, there is more of an overt environmental theme woven into the plot as well, whereas the final season is more focused on different characters figuring out who they are (meant to be) amidst the mythology, their own values, and “how it is written” (aka prophecies). It is a nordic show, so it does not shy away from dealing with darker topics. There is also violence, though compared to US-American shows, it’s far more chill. And the landscape is freaking gorgeous and has a calming effect.

While Norwegian is similar enough to Swedish that it would warrant watching it in the original language, I decided to make life a little easier for myself and watch the dubbed English version. And that brings me to a point that I appreciate about many current productions from nordic countries: the actors seem to be doing most of the dubbing themselves, instead of having native English speakers do it. Hearing their - excellent - English with a tinge of their Norwegian/Swedish/… accents makes for a wonderful viewing (and listening) experience, at least in my book.